It was like a song,
one day the dreams you didn’t know you had came true
the next you are poor and left alone and what are you supposed to do?
you can do or not do,
you can make or not make,
you can struggle in one way
Sing to me
tell me how you want me to hurt you
for I will
I will hurt you with all your permission
I will hurt you with the accumulated anger of my generation of starved geniuses
I promise you
We will pass the stage of tears
We will make this all so pleasurable
Until you pay me for your pain
And you will
Because we are under a contract
And we will pass the stage of tears
by so much
That is what I am told
That is what I was sold
when I graduated,
when I enrolled
You’ll be an artist
you will struggle
it will hurt
and you will sorrow
but oh it will be worth it
one day tomorrow
when you succeed
or when you give up
but oh it will be worth it
because at least you tried it
because at least you had a taste of it
and at least we’ll get our share
but oh will it be worth it?
When we started this project our goals were two-fold. For this post, I’m only interested in one of those goals because it has been the most difficult to keep up with – being actively creative despite our debts. For months, I have been avoiding this post and it took around 6 hours today to get me to this point of typing. Fear has something to do with it. Lack of confidence does as well. Guilt that I have abandoned my creative child and the lack of credibility I have been feeling in calling myself a theatre practitioner lately. Can you call yourself a theatre-maker if you haven’t made theatre in over a year? The longer the lull, the harder it is to jump back on that’s totally for sure. How do we make it go away?
The guilt of not pursuing a life in theatre for the past year has been hitting me hard lately. I spend my time seeing plays, applying for theatre admin. jobs and “liking” all of my friends production photos on Facebook. It gives me the illusion that I’m involved – the quick-fix. The more time that passes from the last show I was a part of, the harder it becomes to define what “I do.” I surely haven’t been “doing” theatre and I’m not confident in saying that I “do” anything other than theatre. So my answer to this question has become what I want to do/should be doing/ did in the past. But then people want to know what I’m working on now and I haven’t much to offer in terms of examples. I have no confidence in that conversation. But I want to break through that barrier and get on with it. It feels like starting from scratch again and it’s hard because you have to face your un-confidence (its a word now!) in the face, swallow it, and come to the plate humbled and ready to build a new network and prove yourself (again).
I’ll try my best (and hard) to go through this process with “grace” – get it!? The artistic process and career of an artist doesn’t have a deadline and ground rules. Their careers ebb and flow in waves of working and drought. They live untouched by the measurements and parameters of career success that other professionals live by. I will show compassion and mercy to myself and my lack of creating this past year or so because that’s what living gracefully means. Many other areas of my life have flourished over the past year and for that I am thankful and so very happy. Now I can take the time AND GRACE to focus my attention back on my craft. And now, after clicking “Publish” I am officially back in the game! 🙂 wahoo I have something to say next time and it feels soooooooo good 🙂 Next up on my agenda for establishing myself again is to 1) pull my website together with updates, services, and portfolio. 2) write regular posts on my blog to build more traffic. 3) Join play-writing and script-reading groups to expand my network and practice my new-found confidence. 4) Order new business card with “Creative Consultant: Theatre Performance” as the title. Cheers to s
tarting over and continuing.